I am so distraught and I don’t know what to do. Yesterday, I was folding the laundry and delivering it to rooms. I went to my 15-year-old son’s room. I was in a hurry and my arms were full of laundry, so I forgot to knock.

I don’t know how to delicately describe what I saw. I’m embarassed just thinking about it. My son was under the covers in the middle of the day. Even his head was under. I thought I saw a movement under the blanket that seemed to me like he was, um, pleasuring himself.

I was so mortified that I just quietly closed the door and went back to the laundry room. I don’t know if he ever knew I was in the room.

Now what do I do? Do I confront him? Do I have my husband confront him? Do I just forget it? I’m so afraid he’s going to turn out to be gay or something. Isn’t that what President Kimball said would happen?

Signed,

Suspicious Mom

Dear Mom,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I must admit a similar thing happened to me. It’s a good thing I’m not using my real name in this advice column. I wouldn’t talk about my family this way if it weren’t so.

I walked in on my Jedediah right in the act, only he wasn’t under the covers. I yelled, “Oh, Jed! How could you?!”

He yelled back, “Mom! You have to knock before you come in here!”

I closed the door, well, slammed it is more like it. I marched right back to the family room where my husband Jim was watching TV and insisted he have a talk with the boy. I don’t now what they talked about but it was difficult to not go in there. Things were strained between Jed and I for the next few days.

While I waited for them to talk, I called the ward executive secretary and demanded an audience with the bishop. The executive secretary had me call the bishop’s home directly. The bishop reassured me that they don’t excommunicate youth for masturbating. I was relieved.

Oh, and by the way, I prefer to refer to things like masturbation by their clinical name. There are so many distasteful phrases to describe it.

Jed saw the bishop and everything is fine now. I begrudgingly agreed to knock before entering Jed’s room in the future. I was also told by the bishop to never call him about this again. I was to urge Jed to come to him, but I should stay out of it. It’s probably for the best.

Lily Dale

So I decided to use a pseudonym. I chose Lily Dale, though I daren’t tell you why. It might give my true identity away.

As I tell you a little more about me and my family, please know that I have changed their names as well. If I’m vague about some of the details about them, I have  only my family’s privacy at heart.

Similarly, I need to obscure our exact location. Suffice it to say, we live in Zion–the Wasatch Front, Utah, our “Lovely Deseret”. Our town naturally has a temple nearby. Although I admire those who must make the sacrifice of a long trek to the Lord’s house, I simply must be near one.

My husband, Jim, and I have six wonderful children and a growing number of grandchildren. Our oldest son lives in New York City where he is big on Broadway. He’s always been so talented. He is not married yet, but we keep hoping.

We have two married children. One lives nearby and the other in Texas. Another son is serving a mission for the Church at this time. For his sake, I won’t tell you where.

Our two youngest, very bright teenagers, live at home with us. Their names are Jennifer and Jedediah. Jen is 16 and Jed is 14.

I come from a family of four sisters. I am the eldest. Our mother passed away several years ago. I do miss her calm, guiding influence in my life. Two of my sisters are married to fine gentlemen of the highest caliber.

Our father lives with my next oldest sister, Patty. Her children are all grown, so she takes care of Father for us all. I don’t like to boast, but the third of the four sisters is married to a very prominent local businessman. Of course, I can’t tell you what business he is in.

Finally, there’s our youngest sister, Rhoda–poor single Rhoda. She has had a marital setback or two, but she pushes on bravely. Thank heaven for the single adult program of the Church.

I want to tell you about my dearest friend in all the world. It’s my next-door neighbor, Angela Peterson. She happens to also by my Relief Society President and Visiting Teacher. I rely on her so much. Her husband is away on business a lot, so we girls often have a bit of fun together now and then.

Well, now you know a little bit about me. I hope there are some more of your questions I can  answer for you.

I couldn’t believe it! I thought I was at mass in a Catholic church. Someone actually sang Ave Maria in sacrament meeting. I thought we weren’t supposed to use latin in sacrament meetings. I could tell that everyone was uncomfortable. The singer should have known better. What do I do?

Lapsed Catholic Mormon

Dear Lapsed,

How wonderful that some real culture has come into your sacrament meeting! You don’t want to discourage that. Still, it’s important that the standards be maintained. There’s nothing wrong with the music. We need more music of that caliber in our services. Was it Schubert or Bach?

It’s the latin lyrics that I think might have you upset. Suggest that in the future when any latin song is sung, that alternative lyrics be supplied. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir did the Schubert music to alternate words once: “Heavenly Father”. You can hear a portion of it below. I, myself, have sung this in our sacrament meeting. It was very well-received.

My son came to me this week and said he was being invited to a swim party at a neighbor’s house. Even though he is still just a young boy, I figure it’s never too soon to teach modesty. I’ve always been adamant that my children will prepare for the temple by only dressing in ways that would be appropriate when they one day go through the temple. I just had to tell my older son last week that he could not wear a tank top to play basketball at the park.

I’m beginning to doubt myself a little. Our Relief Society President lets her children wear regular swimwear and she even does it herself. It just seems to go so against the standards of the Church and I’m confused.

Can you sort it out for me?

Mortified in Florida

Dear Mortified,

I feel for your frustration. I remind you that we believe in higher laws and lower laws. For example, on Mt. Sinai, Moses was given the higher law first. When he returned to the camp with it, he saw that the Israelites were in no spiritual condition to keep the higher law, so he went back and got the lower law. I think what you want to do is keep the higher law of modesty, but in our modern society, it is certainly difficult.

I take the position that we must be in the world even though not of the world. What that means to you and your dilemma I’ll leave for you to determine. It may be that our society is not ready for the higher law of modesty. You may not be able to hold to your stricter standard.

I admit I may be a little prejudiced in this matter. My son, Jed, is somewhat of a legend in his own time in the local swim meet circuit at high school. I was not thrilled to have him wear such skimpy clothing, but his coach said it would make him faster. I was quite disappointed, because I had designed a more modest version. Perhaps I’ll send you my pattern. When you get it, look here for tips on sewing spandex.

Yesterday in sacrament meeting, they started using the clear plastic cups for the water of the sacrament. I found the plunk plunk plunk of the cups dropping into the tray after each person partook to be particularly distracting. I tried so hard to have reverent thoughts throughout, but kept hearing that annoying sound. How do I suggest to my bishop that we go back to the paper cups without overstepping my bounds?

Assaulted Ears

Dear Assaulted,

I also do not like the sound those plastic cups make. It’s like everyone is announcing their worthiness. I could swear some people are throwing their cups at the tray just to make sure everyone hears it. I really can’t abide this kind of self-promotion. Of course, my perfect pitch can’t abide the off-tonic noise that fills the chapel during the passing of the sacrament.

You must be careful in directly expressing your concerns to the bishop. It is not our place to counsel the Lord’s servant. You must make your point of view known more passively. Try putting your hands over your ears instead of folding your arms. You might also have to make a face.

Also, set a good example and teach your family to do the same. Carefully place the plastic cup in the slot and don’t let it make a noise. This is tricky if you don’t want to touch other people’s used cups, but you’ll be greatly rewarded for your worthiness in heaven without having to make sure that other people hear it.

I have been married seventeen years. My eternal companion is a good man. I don’t worry about him and the ladies. I’m certain he is faithful to me. My problem is that he doesn’t stay home with the kids and me like I think he should. He is always going out and doing things with his friends: golfing, bowling, hiking, shooting, hunting, you name it. At least two nights a week and sometimes on Saturday, he is doing something with his friends rather than being at home. 

Deserted Wife

Dear Deserted,

I am of two minds on this, which usually means I’m a little imbalanced in my thinking on the subject. Let’s see if we can find a balance.

On the one hand, men need time to go out and hone their manly skills. These will come in handy when we walk back back to Jackson County. You don’t want to be led to the New Jerusalem by a couch potato. In the coming calamities, you want your man to be good at things that require hand-eye coordination. Besides, you have to admit that things can be easier in some ways when he’s not home. Men can get under foot so easily.

I’ll tell you a secret, though. Men sometimes behave in ways that make their wives want to get them out of the house. More on this in a moment.

On the other hand, home should be your husband’s first priority. Men who spend too much time with buddies are forgetting this important principle. Women discipline children by distraction. Men by intimidation. It’s the natural order of things. You can’t raise children properly without this important combination. Of course, there are other reasons a man should be home. You need him to pay attention to you.

The important thing here is that you gain control of the situation. Right now, if he’s being a pest around the house, it’s so you’ll send him to go be with his friends. He’s in control. You need to be. It’s fine for him to have some buddy time, but it has to be on your terms and fit into your overall plan.

I suggest you begin on the internet, looking for do-it-yourself repair sites. This is not so you can repair things. It’s so you can break them in ways that look like it just happened. You’ll be amazed at the various ways you can disable a washing machine and make it look like an accident.

I hesitate to suggest it, but you can easily control a man by offering certain favors. I’m sure you do this anyway, but you must become more expert at the timing. Start dropping oh-so-subtle hints the moment he walks in the door after work. Keep him thinking all evening that there’s something in it for him if he stays home, and home he’ll stay. Whether you follow through later is up to you.

Some wives think that home teaching, church leadership responsibilities, and quorum service projects are enough buddy time. I tend to think so too, but let him get a little man time on your terms. When the latter days play out, you’ll be glad you did.

I am a mother of five and I feel the weight of the responsibility to see that my children are raised as good Latter-day Saints. I take very seriously the counsel to preserve our family history. I do this through scrapbooking. My husband and children think of it as just a hobby, but for me it is so much more.

I’ve tried over the years to get everyone’s scrapbook done so I could get if off of my conscience, but I just couldn’t. Things kept coming up and I’d get distracted. I finally just decided that everything else had to go on hold while I did this. It’s just too important to procrastinate.

Now I’m getting grief from my dh and kids about the time I spend on it. Why can’t they fend for their own dinner while I do this sacred work? I feel like I’m the only one that cares that our family’s story is preserved. It won’t kill them to do a little of the housework, will it?

Feeling Unsupported

Dear Feeling,

I understand your frustration. I really do! I agree that a scrapbook for each child is an absolute must.

However, I feel compelled to remind you that taking care of your husband and your children is your first priority. You need to find a way to fit scrapbooking in without neglecting your clear duty in other matters.

I hear all of the time how there’s just so much to be done, if we do everything the Church expects, that no one can get it done. I disagree. I manage to have a scrapbook for each child, as well as for myself and James. Yet, I still make all meals for James and the children still in the home. These are not just your average meals, mind you. I think it essential not only to dress up a table for dinner, but to unfailingly serve outstanding food as well. This is why I require the family to dress for dinner. It is quite an occasion.

Now, as a means of training, all children should have chores and even help with the cooking. This is just another part of your duty as a homemaker. Everything in moderation, dear.

Another thing that might help you is if any of your children show any promise in that area. My oldest son was a gifted scrapbooker. Now that he is on his own in New York City, I believe he continues his passion for it. It certainly has aided his work as a Broadway producer. Perhaps you have a budding creative person among your children that can help you with this task.

Lily Dale

I recently attended a funeral of a dear friend of our family. It was held in our tastefully-appointed Church meetinghouse just outside Salt Lake City. Although the funeral service was pleasant enough, I was left dismayed that so much of the spotlight was on the deceased. Each of the talks was full of reminiscing. I was told that the hymns and other music were outlined in our friend’s will. Even more disturbing to me was that our friend’s portrait was printed on the program. President Boyd K. Packer and the other brethren have repeatedly and clearly taught that the focus of a funeral should be on teaching the gospel (as we would in a Sunday School class or other such meeting), not the person being mourned. I am deeply concerned that the family of our friend is on the high road to apostasy and ran roughshod over our poor bishop. What is worse, a wonderful missionary opportunity was lost because so many non-members were in attendance. Such blatant disregard for the proper order of things is quite upsetting. I have mentioned all this to many church leaders (through the proper channels of course) and numerous people in my ward and stake. However, I don’t feel that I am getting through to them. I can’t bear to attend another funeral like the one I described, but it would be improper to fail in my duty to attend such events in my capacity as the 2nd Counselor in my ward’s Relief Society Presidency with responsibility over Compassionate Service. What should I do?

Bothered in Bountiful

Dear Bothered,

Firstly, I commend you for living in such a wonderful city, which has such an appropriate name. If memory serves, I have been to the building to which you refer in your letter. It is a lovely building, although the painting in the foyer of Ammon protecting King Lamoni’s sheep would do better to portray him with a shirt.

As to your quite legitimate concern about the conduct of funerals in the Church, I thoroughly agree with your assessment. President Packer has been quite clear on the subject, as have those of us in positions of influence in the Church who whole-heartedly obey his ever-wise and inspired counsel. As we know, there is a certain order of things to which we must all adhere. When giving a talk at a funeral the highest form of praise for a dearly departed faithful Latter-day Saint is to teach the plan of salvation exactly as we have heard it many times before and make personal references to the deceased only in the context of teaching principles of the gospel. One exception might be made for a prominent Church leader so that one giving a talk might expound on the leader’s record of service and notable acts among the Saints. However, this should only be done by one with proper authority who has been duly called as was Aaron. (Not my cousin Aaron Sorenson, mind you. Although I do hear from reliable sources that he may be called as an Area Authority Seventy soon, in which case, he would have authority in his sphere of responsibility to take such action.)

In any event, I would encourage you to find every possible appropriate opportunity to remind those in your ward and stake of the counsel of the brethren. You mentioned you are the Relief Society counselor over Compassionate Service. (What a lovely calling, by the way). One opportunity to provide cues to the wayward might be when you are visiting the home of a family whose relative has recently passed. A hand-written card (in legible but not too ornate cursive) that includes President Packer’s counsel attached to the foil covering a casserole dish would be a discreet way to present the desired gentle but firm instruction. Tactfully-placed printed reminders at the pulpit might also aid in your efforts. All the best to you as you build your part of Zion.

Truly Yours,

Lillian

My son wants to get his ear pierced. I tried to explain to him that the Prophet has said that boys shouldn’t do this, but he won’t stop bothering me about it. What should I do?

Pierced Through the Heart in Nebraska

Dear Pierced,

You’ve got to be firm with him. Boys today don’t understand what a pierced ear means. Why, you let him pierce his ears today, and tomorrow he’ll want to go to the prom with another boy from the priest quorum. It’s time to nip this in the bud right now.

I must say that this kind of thing wouldn’t happen here in Zion, the heart of the Church. Our young men understand the necessity of avoiding the appearance of you-know-what. You couldn’t move here could you? Oh, probably not, but some good old Utah discipline wouldn’t hurt you out there in the mission field.

Lillian